I write a humorous (NSFW) newsletter for a client. This is from the Vday edition:
Is there anything worse than Valentine’s Day?
I mean, normally if you gave someone flowers or candy, they would be thrilled! But on Vday, it is expected.
It is almost impossible to impress your date on Vday. All you can hope for is to “not disappoint.”
That is why I have started a new tradition for Valentines Day. I encourage you to play along at home next year!
First: Have a friend call your significant other asking for you. “Oh, I’m sorry. He listed this number as a contact number and someone who might also be exposed. Please tell him Dr. Goldblatt’s office called.” Hang up before she can ask any follow up questions.
If possible let that phone call stew for an hour or two.
The next step involves you telling her about an ailment you picked up from prostitute. The easiest route is to pick up some “Living with HIV” pamphlets at a clinic. But I like to mix it up and invent a new disease.
“Calm down, baby! They have made some amazing developments in custom chairs for individuals who suffer from Enlarged Scrotum Syndrome! And if I passed it on to you, there is a good chance your vulva won’t start to swell for several months!”
At some point she will burst into tears or start firing a shotgun at you. That’s when you say, “SURPRISE! Just kidding, honey!” and hand her some $5 chocolates.
In 15 minutes or so, after she has set the gun down, she will be so happy that you didn’t give her Bulbous Vagina Syndrome that those candies will be the best thing she ever tasted.
Have fun and thank me later!