Grandpa & me

I found myself telling stories about Grandpa and HugNation a lot this weekend at the Lightning in a Bottle festival.
Of course, I was living in the glorious Hugmobile, so grandpa’s presence (and his physical ashes) were very close. Plus I gifted dozens of Grandpa Caleb ‘Love on demand’ DVDs to new and old friends.
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Even so, Grandpa played a much bigger part of the weekend than I expected.

As I prepared for the event, I was more focused on my cool new outfits and my daring “no pink fur’ proclamation.
Thankfully, my attire did not remain on the forefront of my mind. (Although I did look fabulous.)
It seems much longer than a year ago that I was at the same festival. Grandpa had just passed and I was filled with uncertainty.
I was unsure if I should keep doing Hug Nation.
I wasn’t sure if I was worthy.
Then the Hugmobile idea was born. And the hug tour. And the universe seemed to steer me exactly where I was supposed to go. Grandpa never felt very far away.
And even though I don’t have anything as concrete as a weekly lunch date with him, his spirit influences me stronger than ever.

When I got home from the festival last night, I checked email (of course) and saw a number of comments to old youtube videos of me and Grandpa.
So I clicked to read the comment, and found myself watching the video.
And I started crying.
I have told stories of grandpa so much, that the stories are almost as vivid as the memories.
So watching him was more emotional that I expected.
Seeing him. Hearing him. Feeling his energy through the screen.
I couldn’t stop crying.
Partly because I miss him.
Partly because I wish he could see who I am becoming.
Partly because seeing him radiate so beautifully, was just…too much.
I could see now that much of the growth I’ve experienced in the last year has been towards Grandpa consciousness.
Even without fresh words or hugs or physical presence, he teaches me – subconsciously- from deep inside. Maybe they are seeds planted long ago. Maybe it is something else.
Watching the video made me respect him even more. Things I dismissed as an old man’s silliness seem deeply profound now.
Realizations I have had in recent weeks were things he embodied all along.
I rarely miss him. But while I watched the two of us interact and could see the love between us, the tears would not stop.
My gratitude for our shared time still FAR outweighs the pain of loss…but I was definitely feeling the loss last night.
I miss you, Grandpa.

p.s. HugNation is today at 1pm PST. Join us!

Comments
  • serafaery

    You honor Grandpa Caleb so beautifully. I hope I can do the same to those I’ve loved and lost. You’re an inspiration, as is your Grandpa, always. ((hugs!))

  • Foxsden

    Ahh what a cool gramps, bless him.

  • Emily

    I saw the HugMobile just before I got off on Mission St. in SB, about 5 minutes after you got on the 101 from the 154. I was the person who waved at you from my white Rodeo with the bike on the back. I was disappointed I did not see you wandering around LIB, because it would have been great to meet you in person. I’m mintgrrl on LJ and I’ve been reading you for years!

  • jello_bong

    “My gratitude for our shared time still FAR outweighs the pain of loss”

    As I approach the one year mark of losing my boyfriend to suicide, your words ring so true with me. Thank you for those words.

  • Vincent

    Such a great soul.

    I bet he’s still out there in the higher realms, definitely seeing what you’re becoming and extremely proud of you.

    Keep up your great work, Halcyon!

  • Dee

    Sweet post. Thanks for sharing your Grandpa with us all. He did so much to lift the vibration of all…

    On another note, I just came by to wish you a Happy Birthday!

    Hugs,

    d

  • Meegs

    I can’t believe a whole year has passed. What a blessing Grandpa Caleb was to everyone, what a blessing he still is… thank you for sharing him with us. Thank you for continuing to share yourself with us.

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