Goals for the New Year I made a few years ago:


  • Stop using the phrase, “stinky finger.”

  • Wean myself off Phonics (I’m hooked)

  • Convince my Dad that he’s gay.

  • Avoid Subway Sandwiches (Life is too short to eat a sub where the Mayo is applied with a squeeze-bottle)

  • Rip out Puff Daddy’s vocal cords and flay him mercilessly across the buttocks.

  • Figure out what’s causing that rash.

  • Limber-up enough to perform self-fellatio (If I achieve this, my blog will go on an indefinite hiatus)

  • Apologize to each member of the NFL for failing to take an interest in their sport.

  • Get all my friends to sign my cast. (break arm if necessary)

  • Get over my necrophilia hang-up.

  • Lobby to get “Y” the full vowel status it deserves.

  • Learn to tell the difference between a “normal” and an “unhealthy” discharge


  • Only wear fur coats that block harmful UV rays.

  • Read the articles in Playboy ( I hear they’re very good)

  • Boycott all Marijuana grown in Iraq.

  • Work to lift the taboo on the words, “felching” and “smegma”

  • Stop staring at my co-workers breasts while they talk.

  • Only listen to music that utilizes F sharp in a flattering way.

Comments
  • Clintus McGintus

    LOL dude great list. How did you do?

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