Goals for the New Year I made a few years ago:
Stop using the phrase, “stinky finger.”
Wean myself off Phonics (I’m hooked)
Convince my Dad that he’s gay.
Avoid Subway Sandwiches (Life is too short to eat a sub where the Mayo is applied with a squeeze-bottle)
Rip out Puff Daddy’s vocal cords and flay him mercilessly across the buttocks.
Figure out what’s causing that rash.
Limber-up enough to perform self-fellatio (If I achieve this, my blog will go on an indefinite hiatus)
Apologize to each member of the NFL for failing to take an interest in their sport.
Get all my friends to sign my cast. (break arm if necessary)
Get over my necrophilia hang-up.
Lobby to get “Y” the full vowel status it deserves.
Learn to tell the difference between a “normal” and an “unhealthy” discharge
Only wear fur coats that block harmful UV rays.
Read the articles in Playboy ( I hear they’re very good)
Boycott all Marijuana grown in Iraq.
Work to lift the taboo on the words, “felching” and “smegma”
Stop staring at my co-workers breasts while they talk.
Only listen to music that utilizes F sharp in a flattering way.